


i didn't steal your boyfriend (in fact, i didn't touch him at all)

by jjibunrock



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eren Is a Little Shit, Jealous Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Mild Language, POV Jean Kirstein, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), jean didn't do anything wrong he swears, jean plays matchmaker, this was just meant to be funny, which is totally unnecessary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2405366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjibunrock/pseuds/jjibunrock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So I saw you and Eren in the library yesterday," Levi's eyes were narrowed, his hands folded in front of him on the cafeteria table. I quickly slammed my water bottle down.</p><p>"I didn't steal your boyfriend, damn it!"</p><p>His eyes slowly widened. And then:</p><p>"What the fuck are you talking about?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	i didn't steal your boyfriend (in fact, i didn't touch him at all)

**Author's Note:**

> Shamelessly inspired by Boyfriend by Ashlee Simpson

I like to think that there are two people in this world.

On one hand you have the guys that are totally okay with you chilling with their significant others. You and Tina are going to the movies? Sweet, Steve will let you go without a hitch. No questions asked, no accusations of cheating. 

Those are the guys I like, you know. I mean I know I'm a total catch and whatnot, but I'm not out to steal anyone's girl. Or guy. I don't discriminate. If you're hot there's a hundred percent chance I'm going to use some smooth lines on you and probably make out with you in a nice, secluded corner. But that's not the point. I don't steal anyone's significant other.

Let me make that even more clear:

_I don't fucking steal._

Okay, got it? Good. You're going to need that later.

Oh shit, wait. I forgot about the  _other_  guys. Every sane person's fucking nightmare.

This is the guy that is totally  _not okay at all_  with you talking to their woman...or man. They will literally fuck you up if you so much as blink wrong at them. You and Tina aren't going to the movies, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. And if you two decide to study together, there's a hundred percent chance that asshole is going to glare you down and make sure you can’t have kids in the near future because-

Wait. Let me just start at the beginning.

* * *

Ah, college. If you thought high school was shitty, try this place. Zero out of ten, would not recommend. Seriously, don’t fucking do it. You’ll be paying through your ass for the rest of your goddamn life-

Shit. I need to stop rambling.

Anyway, I was a second year college student that was finally getting the swing of things.

I was still in the whole _holy shit mom can’t tell me what to do_ phase (which I’m still in and enjoying, thank you very much). The only problem I encountered so far was my roommate from freshman year. Man, that guy was a total dickbag. So I asked to get my room transferred (which is a story in itself…for another time).

And that’s how I ended up with Eren fucking Jaeger.

Now I’m going to be totally honest here and say that _no_ , I didn’t hate him at first. I actually thought he was pretty hot and envisioned us in the secluded corners I mentioned earlier, but of course the asshole had to ruin it.

“I don’t like dick,” he said.

Yes, that’s literally the first thing he said to me. Believe me, I was as shocked as you are right now. 

“Uh…what?” I asked, blinking in confusion. Eren smirked at me, blowing a large, blue bubble with his gum.

“You were staring at my ass,” he said.

My jaw dropped.

“I was not!” I said, but my face was slowly turning the color of a fire truck. Nice, right?

“You so were,” Eren taunted. “I can tell those sorts of things.”

“What, do people stare at your ass all the time?” I snapped. I was irritated. Not because of what he was saying, but that the little shit knew that I had snuck a little peek. But in my defense, he actually had a pretty nice ass. The best I’ve seen in my life.

Ahem. Not the point.

“Not all the time,” Eren replied. “But enough that I can tell. And that’s how I knew your eyes were on my ass.”

“You’ve got some keen senses there Jaeger,” I said. “Seriously, don’t let that shit go down the drain.”

“Well aren’t you a fucking comedian,” he sneered, snapping his gum noisily. “Seriously, you should go professional.”

“Nah, too much work,” I said. “Thanks anyway, though.”

“It wasn’t a compliment,” he said, staring at me blankly. I smirked and roughly jabbed my shoulder into him as I slid past.

“I have keen senses too,” I said seriously.

Eren smashed his gum into my hair.

* * *

You know what the best thing about rooming with Eren is?

Nothing! Literally _nothing_.

Okay, maybe that’s a lie. He’s a lot nicer than the last guy, and he's cleaner too (the asshole knows what clean means, thank the Lord).

But anyway, I hated Eren and those smug little grins he always seemed to have. Seriously, he looks like a frigging demon when he does that shit. It’s creepy and annoying and makes me want to punch him in the face.

Currently, I was storming to the cafeteria. I was hungry as hell and was tempted to skip my next class (which would probably end badly), so obviously I was in a bad mood. My shitty mood was made even worse when Eren caught up with me and began walking beside me.

“I had to chop my hair off with rusty scissors,” I said when he fell into step with me. He snickered.

“Oops. Sorry, Horseface.”

“Horseface?” I sputtered. Eren snapped his fingers.

“Oh yeah! That’s my nickname for you,” he made a vague gesture in the air with his hands. “It suits you.”

“No it doesn’t,” I growled, and went to push him. Just before my hand made contact with his side, however, someone else grabbed me.

Eren stopped laughing almost instantly, his eyes widening the slightest bit before he rolled them.

“He wasn’t going to actually do it, Levi,” he sighed.

_Levi?_

I turned to look at the guy beside me. His icy grey eyes seemed to pierce straight through my goddamn soul. He was shorter than I was, but he seemed pretty muscular. He let go of my wrist and pushed the sleeves of his black shirt up to his sharp elbows.

“Yes he was,” he replied, his voice as emotionless as his face. “You’re just too stupid to realize it.”

“Rude much?” Eren grumbled. He pointed at the guy. “This is Levi. I’ve known the asshole since the fucking womb.”

“Watch it brat,” Levi growled. Eren sniggered. “And you are…?”

“Jean Kirschstein,” I said instantly. “I’m Eren’s roommate.”

“Oh, you’re Horseface?” he said, his eyes seeming the slightest bit amused. He squinted a little at me before shrugging and turning to Eren. “I see the resemblance.”

“Yeah, and you called me a nutcase when I said it,” Eren mumbled back. He grinned at Levi. “Can we go now? I’m starving.”

Levi nodded, and the two of them began to walk off. I watched them silently before I realized what they had said.

“Wait! You two were talking about me?!”

* * *

“You know French, right?”

“So what if I do?” I asked, narrowing my eyes. Eren slammed his books down loudly. The librarian shot us a dirty look but said nothing.

“Help me study,” he said. I snorted.

“What do I get out of it?”

“The warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from not being an asshole for once,” he drawled. I rolled my eyes and grabbed his French textbook, flipping to the page that a sticky note was stuck to.

“Great, just what I wanted,” I grumbled.

For the next half-hour, I helped Eren complete his French worksheet. But somewhere along the way, I began to feel kind of uncomfortable. The hair on the back of my neck was standing up on end and I sort of felt like someone was watching me.

When I turned around, I saw that yes, someone _was_ watching me.

And his name was Levi.

The asshole wasn’t even bothering to look inconspicuous. His beady gaze was straight on me, glare on full power. At first, I had no idea why. Like seriously, what the hell did I do to him?

And then I realized it. Eren and I were sitting side by side and my arm was around the back of his chair.

 _Oh_. So that’s how it is, huh?

I smirked at him, nodding my head in acknowledgement. Levi sneered and pivoted on his heel. I leaned closer to Eren.

“No, I’m not interested in sucking your dick. Get the fuck out of my personal space,” Eren said dryly.

I stared at him blankly.

“Does everything end up sexual with you? Why are you so convinced I want to get into your pants?”

Eren looked up from his French worksheet.

“Why _wouldn’t_ you?” he asked. I rolled my eyes.

“Clearly someone’s a little cocky.”

“Stop talking about yourself, asshole,” Eren teased. My jaw dropped.

“Are you fucking-oh my _God_.”

“Sorry, God’s not here right now. Can I take a message?”

“Shut up. Seriously,” I rubbed my temples, removing my arm from around Eren’s chair. “Oh, yeah. I may have forgotten to mention something.”

“What?” Eren asked.

“Your boyfriend was staring at me,” I jerked my thumb over my shoulder. Eren turned around to look, shaking his head.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” a pause. “And did I not fucking tell you I don’t swing that way?”

“Oh yeah?” I grumbled, scoffing. “Why don’t you tell _him_ that?”

* * *

"So I saw you and Eren in the library yesterday," Levi's eyes were narrowed, his hands folded in front of him on the cafeteria table. I quickly slammed my water bottle down.

"I didn't steal your boyfriend, damn it!"

His eyes slowly widened. And then:

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

“Oh don’t play dumb,” I growled. “You were all like overprotective boyfriend yesterday. I didn’t touch him.”

“Did I say you did?” Levi drawled. I paused, my face flushed with a mixture of rage and embarrassment.

“Well _no_ but-”

“So then what makes you think I’m talking about that?”

“Well you were all like,” I dropped my voice a few octaves, mimicking Levi’s usual blank expression. “ _You and Eren were in the library yesterday, and that made me want to rip your balls off_.”

“You know, I don’t recall saying something like that,” Levi mused. Suddenly, a dangerous glint appeared into his eyes. “But the idea is rather… _tempting_.”

Well shit.

* * *

“I hate your boyfriend,” I said, throwing my messenger bag to the ground. My whole lunch had consisted of Levi glaring at me and mumbling _something_ under his breath (probably ways to kill me).

“He’s not my fucking boyfriend asshat!”

“Whatever! I hate him.”

“And I’m sure he hates you back,” Eren said disinterestedly, flipping through a magazine. I scowled at him.

“I didn’t slave over that French book for you to throw all that hard work away.”

“Shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my goddamn magazine.”

“Okay, sheesh,” I smirked. “Do you treat Levi like this too?”

The latest issue of _Shonen Jump_ smacked me in the face.

* * *

“So...”

“Can I help you?” Levi asked, his eyebrows raised. He sipped slowly from his mug of who-knows-what. I grinned evilly at him.

“You have the hots for Jaeger, right?”

“I don’t.”

“You do,” I said. “It’s okay. You can be honest here.”

“Well I should hope so. This is _my_ dorm room,” he said. “How the hell did you get in anyway?”

“Not important,” I said, waving my hand dismissively. “You like Eren. I know how to hook you guys up.”

I waggled my eyebrows.

“I don’t want to hook up with him,” he sighed.

“Lies! You _do_ want him,” I said. Levi glared at me.

“I’m still considering ripping your balls off,” he said. He gazed meaningfully at my crotch (which I totally shielded).

“Do that _after_ I hook you two up.”

“I don’t think I accepted your help,” he said. I scoffed.

“Trust me buddy…you _need_ my help.”

“No, I need you to get the hell out of my room and let me study,” he said. I whined softly.

“But…Eren kicked me out of mine.”

Levi stared at me blankly.

“You’re pathetic. I can’t believe I’m stuck with you now.”

“So you _are_ accepting my help.”

“Your balls…ripped off.”

“Okay okay chill.”

* * *

“You know what you need, Jaeger?” I said.

“Your sweet, sweet demise?” he answered. I rolled my eyes.

“No, you dick. You need to get laid,” I leaned closer to him. “When’s the last time you got laid?”

“I’m not sleeping with you. Lord knows what kind of diseases you’re carrying.”

“Oh ouch,” I said, clasping my chest. “And I didn’t mean me, asshole.”

“Oh really now?” Eren’s eyes had this weird glint in them that made me pretty uncomfortable. “Then who exactly did you have in mind?”

“Short, angry, and violent as hell,” I propped my chin onto my fist. “Is that ringing a bell?”

“Nope,” Eren said, popping the ‘p’. I narrowed my eyes.

“That smirk says differently,” I accused. Almost instantly, Eren’s expression went blank.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said seriously…and then laughed.

I rolled my eyes and slammed my forehead into the desk.

* * *

 “How good are you at not being an asshole?” I asked.

“Depends on who it is,” Levi asked, flipping the page of his novel.

“Eren Jaeger.”

“It depends on how he acts,” he replied.

“Does everything depend on something else with you?” I complained. Levi gave me a cold look. I held my hands up defensively. “Never mind.”

“Thought so,” he smirked. I gaped at him.

“Holy shit you can show emotion!”

“…How do you want me to murder you exactly?”

“Hey, calm down with the murder,” I said. “I’m on your side man.”

“I don’t want you on my side,” Levi said.

“Well too damn bad, I’m here.”

“Well then get the fuck off,” Levi growled.

“No,” I growled back.

“Why not? It’s my side, damn it,” Levi paused. “Oh my God.”

“What?” I asked.

“I just argued with you over a side,” he shook his head in amazement. “Your stupidity must be rubbing off on me.”

“Watch it, asshole.”

* * *

“I’m so done with both of you!” I growled, slamming the door shut. “Why does the world hate me so much?”

“Well with a face like that I’m not sure what you were expecting,” Eren drawled. Levi nodded in agreement.

I groaned. I had managed to sit them both down at lunch and convinced them that _yes_ , they should totally go do some shitty couple-y things and be happy. But these assholes had literally just laughed at me.

“Leave my face out of this,” I hissed. “You two are impossible! I have devoted so much of my time into the two of you, and yet you-”

“Oh wait,” Levi said suddenly. “We forgot to tell you something.”

“What?” I snapped.

“We’ve been dating for two years,” Eren said.

I stared at them blankly, waiting for them to burst out laughing…again. Instead, they both looked at me expectantly.

“Are you shitting me?!” I exploded, waving my hands wildly in the air. “When the hell where you planning on sharing that with me?”

“When we stopped getting amused by your ridiculous antics,” Levi said honestly. I glared at him.

“Gee, thanks,” I snapped. I looked at Eren. “So you _do_ like dick, then.”

Eren grinned at me.

“It was fun to mess with you,” he said.

I slumped into my seat.

“I cannot believe you two,” I said.

“I’m surprised we pulled it off,” Eren admitted.

“Yeah, I thought you would have fucked it up,” Levi said. Eren rolled his eyes and lightly punched his shoulder.

“Gee thanks,” he said dryly.

I sighed, shaking my head. Then, I smirked.

“So you _were_ jealous I was with Eren.”

Levi’s expression darkened instantly.

“What was that?” he asked, his voice eerily calm.

I whimpered.

“Uh…you guys are cute together?” I said. Eren snickered, shaking his head.

“What an idiot,” he said. Levi smirked and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

“It was fun while it lasted,” he said. I sighed and shook my head.

“Well I’m glad you’re amused,” I looked at Eren. “And by the way, I never stared at your ass. Since we're telling the truth now and whatever.”

Eren’s face turned bright red, and Levi slowly turned to look at me.

"...What?" he asked. I swallowed roughly.

Oh no.


End file.
